Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
