Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
