McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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