I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
