this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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