I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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