So drunk its hurt
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
