Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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