JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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