Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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