i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize