nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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