he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Even my vagina gasped.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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