my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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