i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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