I accidentally had phone sex last night
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
