well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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