Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Randomize
