you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Sorry my hands just texted you
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
