I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Someone shattered a urinal.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
