Your dad touched me again.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
