Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
