im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
