Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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