I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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