I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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