ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
