what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Randomize
