Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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