apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
