I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
