He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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