I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize