The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
