If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
He did a backflip because drugs
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
