worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
