My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
