worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
