Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
