She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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