I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
We were destined to go to rehab together
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I had to cum in my sink.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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