I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
