I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize