dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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