I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
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