have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
