Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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