You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize