Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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