Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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