I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
