He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
