I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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