I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
you will always have a special place in my vag
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
